Hitler just high fived Kim Jong II in heaven and said " this forgiveness shit is crazy right!"

Sex with me is like a carnival, mostly because it happens with poor under educated white people in a parking lot.

My current level of anxiety is equal to waiting for that long piece in Tetris.

My parents went to Mexico and all I got was this blood soaked T-shirt with a ransom note attached to an ear.

Shit I just kicked my water pipe for tobacco use only over and there is water pipe for tobacco use only water everywhere.

The person laying next to you in bed wants you to put your phone down.

After viewing 100 different women's online dating profiles, I'm convinced that walks on the beach are fattening.

"Dear kids, we were bullied and sucked it the fuck up." Signed : Everyone who went to grade, middle and high school from 0 to 1999.

I love Captain Crunch and by that I mean I can't get enough of tasting my mouth roof skin. Two more bowls till I can tongue my brain.

If these walls could talk, I'd probably move immediately.

With this 7.8 Mexican earthquake I'm torn because I want to donate duct tape to fix their houses but don't want it used in kidnappings. :(

My Toaster has 3 settings : Light, Dark, and bath tub.

I'm so paranoid someone's gonna hit my elbow while I'm cleaning my ears, I won't touch a QTip unless the front door is locked.

I like babies like I like my coffee, left on the roof of my car.

I can always tell if a guy is gay because of the dainty way he holds a dog leash, plus it's pink and he made me wear it.

When I was a kid, I wanted to be a wrestler. My nickname was The Abortioner and my finishing move, was the "akward ride home".

You ever comb your pubes with the brush from the My Little Pony?

I was thinking about buying my wife life insurance or as I call it ... A motive.

XBOX-Live: where rich white kids can say the N word from the comforts of their parents media room.

I pulled my cock out during an asian massage. The girl was surprised. But not as surprised as the people watching from the mall food court.