The "Slow Children Playing" signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?

Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.

Lady, the way you drive I can only assume that the stick figures on your minivan signify the number of people you hit.

The person who said change is inevitable obviously didn't use this vending machine.

Maybe today is a good day to try that quiet desperation I've heard so much about.

More people are killed by donkeys than plane crashes. But if your pilot is a donkey you may have reason to be concerned.

I just hope I never encounter the sheep responsible for steel wool.

Welcome to 09-09-09, or as our German friends say, "No, No, No!"

So far, too much day and too little hump.

How cute; Twitter has 140 employees. And I thought I had OCD issues.

Recent news suggests that Facebook contributes to divorce due to "inappropriate sexual chats". Apparently, I'm SO doing FB wrong.

Wow; what a surprise. Movie theater popcorn is unhealthy. In related news: water is wet.

This is what happens when you populate a jury with people not smart enough to get out of jury duty.

Finally got a follow from a porn bot. I was beginning to worry that they thought I wasn't interested.

Although not available here, In-N-Out Burgers sounds to me like porno. I'll have to be satisfied by Five Guys. That doesn't sound right.

Only 4% of the population is on Twitter. If those numbers go up, we're going to need a bigger whale.

"Sextoys is now following you on Twitter". So I guess that means any sudden stops would be ill-advised?

Thanks for including "get off elevator" in Hospital directions. Because I actually though diagnostic procedures took place on elevator.

Why don't they just make Waldo wear one of those GPS tracking ankle bracelets to save us all the drama of finding him?

The wife wants to know why I don't tweet about cute puppy dogs and family stuff. Clearly she's confusing Twitter and Facebook.