I bought a new pair of Air Jordans. Their best feature: How cool they look as I sit on the couch smokin weed watching Spongebob Squarepants

I just love these new single serving 1.5qt ice cream buckets.

I'm sure a dream of 2 guys riding a dolphin together means nothing. It's just 2 guys. Riding a dolphin. Together.

Right?


Someone please..

Great. Apparently one of my "friends" has set my beard trimmer to gay pornstar.

GOD I hate shaving!

But there is *noway* I'm putting Nair® on my balls again.

I don't really do Mondays. I just let them do me.

I like to go into other peoples bathrooms and flip their rolls of toilet paper over.

There is nothing like waking up to a blow-job on a Sunday morning!





...anybody what to get on that for me?

I look like a proud young lion that has just killed & eaten a gazelle.Cept the blood on my face is choc. ice cream & I'm old, fat, & slow.

I finally finished that macaroni necklace for my dad that I started 28 years ago.


Related: When is fathers day again?

DAMN, it's cold! I can see my own breasts!

Shit, no no no, I meant breath! Really I meant breath.

Ok, alright... I can see both.

So, I'm giving this hobo a reach around, and it totally occurs to me - I haven't paid my fucking taxes this year!

Evidently I've been walking around all morning with a booger in the stache part of my gotee. Yay!


My friends are dicks.

I just witnessed a poor old lady trip & fall off the curb.

..I assume she was poor, she only had a couple of bucks of change in her purse.

Fact: I carry a knife for one reason only, too cut my underwear off in case of an incident.

Sometimes I lay awake at night and think about my tan lines.

I am fairly certain that given a cape and a nice tiara, I could save the world.... just sayin

Thanks Dave for making me wait over an hour for ya. I drank your beer and jacked off in your living room. Somewhere. Have fun with that.

QQ to anyone that has ever snorted coke off of a strippers ass:


Do crabs ever work their way back out?


...or do I gotta snort & hock em?

Just reading the possible side effects of my new back pain meds.

yada yada yada... Oh, constipation and back pain.



That kinda sucks.