Here's a Twitter rule for you: Shut the fuck up about Twitter rules and tweet like no one's reading. Because in actuality...no one is.

Someone should remind these fat, religious, Planned Parenthood protesters that gluttony is a sin too.

Twitter on Fridays: more mouth-to-ass than German porn.

I'm great with children. And explosives.

If you read your timeline backwards it is about a person who hates everything and gradually becomes happier until they get a life.

I can safely say that since starting Twitter back in January my work rate has gone down 50%.

Nobody has even said anything to me.

Couldn't think of a better way to honor my friend's passing than donating all my hair to Lock of Love.

Congratulations @chocolakai, An anonymous donor has extended your boner features for 6 months. LOLJK Fuck you!

I drink so much that when my husband penetrates me it sounds like a can of beer opening.

◄▐▓▒░▀█▀░▀░▀█▀░▀█▀░▐▀▌░█░█░▐▀■░▒▓▌►
◄▐▓▒░░█░░█░░█░░░█░░█▄█░▀█▀░░▀■░▒▓▌►
◄▐▓▒░░█░░█░░█░░░█░░█░█░░█░░■▄█░▒▓▌►

i'm bored with reading tweets about tweets, stars, and the leaderboard. tell me a bedtime story about your dick.

Maybe we should DM our totd thank yous.

MASTER. MASTER. MASTER OF OVENS I'M BAKING YOUR BREAD.

Just told my boss off with his cock in my mouth.

I've seen so much amateur porn, it's hard to look you in the eye.

Women will fuck with you till the day you die. Fuck back.

Tacobaiting your brah with a fake DM phishing scheme

You know just what you want. You want ice cream and bags of chips and chocolate and blood & guts and drugs & sex and cigarettes.

Someone asked me what's the longest I'd gone without drugs or alcohol but I'm pretty sure it was a trick question.