Being a superhero isn't all that hard. Whenever some shit goes down, just turn up and do something really awesome in slow motion.

For a dancer, I'm a pretty damn good welder.

No, thats not a beer gut, it's just that when you are such a finely tuned athlete, your lungs reach beneath your ribs and push your abs out.

It's mildly embarrassing to actually faint from dump overstrain and find yourself lying on the floor of your cubicle

I'm not meaning to brag, but I just colored the hell out of a care bears coloring competition entry. Like a goddam boss.

Wow, there's some cash in my wallet. How quaint. Anybody else remember cash? Its all papery and shit and attracts strippers.

The only gang sign I know is the actions to YMCA.

In case you were wondering, those of us with awesome mustaches are doing wicked cool gangster shit when you're not around.

Just found a genuine 1978 bottle of brut 33 splash-on. Be on the lookout for swooning ladies the world over

Have we solved crop circles yet? I just saw a heavily drunk man on a lawnmower hanging from a helicopter, so I'm thinking I've cracked it.

Crikey, for a second there I almost became self aware.

Nothing says gay party like blowing a whistle.

Go now, fly my pretties, FLY!


*thump thump splat thump thump splat*


Turns out my pretties can't fly at all. Crap. Right, next invention.

If your bio tells me how much you are loving life and your username has belieber in it, there's a very solid chance you'll die by my hand.

Maths tip: A probability tree is simply a drawing of a tree with the attached statement 'this is probably a tree'. See how easy maths is?

Excuse me my good man. Yes, you, the white guy with dreads. You're a white guy. Cut it out. Move along.

I freely admit I'm no expert on religious protocols, but how on earth does canonization not involve anyone being shot out of a circus cannon

Jehovah must have had one hell of a contract to sign if it needed that many witnesses.

I can't believe I just did eleventy million push-ups. Probably because I didn't and I'm a terrible self liar.

I think I speak for all of us here when I say bipedal robotic hammerhead sharks with jet packs and heatseeker missiles are fucking awesome.