Not sure Tesco needed to include a picture of an actual bum hole on their toilet paper... @vizcomic http://t.co/YLRilyQ8

#lollyjoke How does the Queen hold her crown on? With Jubilee clips @goldenlollyjoke

@vizcomic The kinetic energy produced from flag waving at today's #RoyalWedding could power half a million furious wanks.

#GlastonburyFacts If you joined all the crusty dreads together you'd have enough hair to stretch around the M25. And scabies. @wetterbwocks

Bride decks kilt wearing groom after he leaves a skid mark on her dress! http://twitpic.com/568ks8

@twoptwips BISHOPS. Raise a smile in your diocese by only moving diagonally.

BREAKING NEWS: Prince Philip has done his back in during 'Oops Upside Your Head'. #royalweddding

Top Gear drinking game: Every time something seems a bit tired or staged, consider going to the pub instead of watching it.

@twoptwips FOOTBALL Fans ensure a reputation for literacy by trending "Kenny Daglish" and "Roy Hodgeson".

@wagnafartwet TORTOISE HEAD Like a Turtle Head but preempts a turd that will not see water, instead being released on dry land i.e bus stop.

@twoptwips FOOL an unripe banana into believing it's Benjamin Button by painting brown dots on it then wiping some off each day.

@wagnafartwet STAGE PISSPER. Theatrically loud wee to alert shy shitters in cubicles that the coast is not clear to emerge.

Hooray! They've lifted the hosepipe ban! People can wash the shit off their carpets. #floods

@litterrbox new employee, first day in my team, gave him a quick induction, "any questions?" "how strict's the Internet policy?" #jobs

@wagnafartwet HAMMERSHITE. Black, viscous post Guinness effluent. Ideal for rust proofing the chassis of a Morris Oxford.

Amazing. Wet grey miserable weekend and this morning the sun is streaming through the blinds like a big sarcastic yellow pillock.

@twoptwips RICKY Gervais. Upset everyone at tonight's Golden Globes by announcing a second series of Life's Too Short.

@twoptwips BISHOPS raise a smile in your diocese by only moving diagonally.

@vizcomic Bride decks kilt wearing groom after he leaves a skid mark on her dress! http://twitpic.com/568ks8

@twoptwips SIMULATE the thrill of Facebook by asking a cretin you dislike to tell you about an imaginary farm every five minutes.