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Would someone please tell Oprah that in order to "follow my dreams" and "make it happen" I need some of her money?
How much you allow someone to hurt you is directly proportionate to how much you want that person to love you.
Hey creepy guy who sent me the DM filled with misspelled words: No. You can't see my beasts. As if.
Why do some people insist on being cruel and heartless? Isn't life hard enough as it is?
Hey. Is banishing people still a thing? That should totally still be a thing.
Siri, will my twittercrush and I ever be together?
Siri, why are you laughing?
We write 140 character odes to sex, to bacon, to skeletons in our closets and to the bodies in our basements. I love you crazy fuckers. xoxo
Nothing teaches you patience more than wanting something and the timing is all wrong. You have to hope that eventually the stars will align.
If I was Jesus, I would've had an all-night rave for my last supper. Fuck that sit-down dinner shit. & I'd have subtweeted Judas all night.
There is no handsome prince. There is no fairy godmother. Put on your big girl panties, high heels, lip gloss & kick the fucking door down.
Career advice: if your boss ever says to you "I can make you or break you," don't burst out laughing. Trust me on this.
I worked 3 jobs to put myself through school. Tell me again how mommy and daddy won't buy you a new car, princess.
New followers, stick around. Every 90 days I write a brilliant tweet. Patience, people.
I'm raising my sons to be gentlemen and to have values. It's hard work, but necessary. This is the only thing I count as an accomplishment.
Best valentine I ever received from a student was a Bart Simpson one. It said "Hey Teach, If you know so much, why don't they pay you more?"
A collision of words. Yours, envious and spiteful. Mine, sharp and clear. I refuse to listen to what I don't want to hear.
I smirk in your general direction.
