People mark my posts as favorites, but they don't RT them. I'm like the prostitute you enjoy fucking but don't introduce to your friends.

When I was 20, my knowledge of sex was like Einstein's knowledge of physics. Impressive, but largely theoretical.

I want my headstone to say "Wish You Were Here."

4 out of 5 doctors were in the bottom 80% of their graduating class.

I've run out of prozac. I'm taking amateurzac now.

The real reason so many straights oppose gay marriage: because they KNOW that gay weddings will make theirs look boring and lame.

WATER -->
WAVER -->
WAVES -->
WANES -->
WINES

HA! Take that Jesus!

Nick Carter is trending? Did someone set the calendar back ten years when I wasn't looking?

Taco Bell sells tacos.
Whataburger sells burgers.
Chicken Express sells chicken.
Panda Express are lying bastards!

It turns out that my bros ARE hos. I'm so confused about where my priorities should be now.

#replacesonglyricswithnutsack If you liked it, then you shoulda put a nutsack on it.

Why haven't we started putting birth control drugs into purple eye shadow yet?

#replacesonglyricswithnutsack
You put your nutsack in.
You put your nutsack out.
You put your nutsack in and shake it all about.

Do lesbians get mad when you call them "vagitarians"?

Never mind: they're lesbians. They always get mad.

pot luck = finding a joint you thought you'd already smoked

@thetimmytebow Read both. I can't go with Romney. I'm embarrassed for grown men who think fairy tales about an invisible god are true.

Cyber-bullying is never cool. Unless you're picking on the Amish. 'Cause it's not like they're gonna know.

I just retweeted myself. I think that officially makes me a social media whore.

#IHaveSeenEveryEpisodeOf far too many television shows. I'm so ashamed of the hours I've wasted.

I HAD the moves like Jagger, but we eventually got my medications balanced out.