I just know my last words are going to be, "I got this"

I hate when I accidentally waste 2hours looking at my self in the mirror before my shower.

How many Weight Watchers points is a pot brownie??

Don't Do School, Stay In Milk, Drink Your Drugs.

I need to renew my dogs medical marijuana card.

What's the point of these "see who unfollowed you" apps? What are you gonna track me down and beat me up for unfollowing you?

The last thing you wanna do is tweet and drive, risk spilling your beer.

#ThoughtsAtWalmart why did they decide to buy 200 cash registers but only hire two cashiers...

Just commented "Slut" on every single one of my ex-girlfriends Facebook pictures, I think she gets the point.

Mark Zuckerberg, Bill Gates and all these other billionaires that didn't finish college are not helping me stay motivatied to study...

Is it too weird if I wear a bra just so I have more room to store stuff?

Danica Patrick, don't complain about sexism when your using your body to help sell Go Daddy...

I survived Y2K, I'm not worried about 2012.

I think I spend more time looking for my car keys than actually driving.

Getting dreads is like carrying around a sign that says "I smoke weed"

Still waiting to hear back on my Power Rangers application.

That African Prince still hasn't wired that money to my bank account like he said he would in the email.

Without Twitter followers I still wouldn't know the difference between your and you're.

Don't break up with your girlfriend over text message, do it over Skype like a man.

Ugh I'm always misplacing my virginity.