About to motorboat the shit out this dandelion.

It's amazing how far black people have come (inside my sister).

Maybe I was wrong about pussy.

Some dude was like "I want to learn your body" and I was all like "learn this!" and then I farted harder than I've ever lived.

Did u kno that it takes 2 hours to get from Los Feliz to Pasadena on the bus, but it only takes a few seconds to shoot yourself in the face?

roommate (aunt) just told me that I whimper in my sleep.

Your safeword must be at least six characters long and contain at least one number.

"You got husky!" - Happy Holidays from my family

I saw two babies cuddling today, and I was like "Get a womb".

Just offended a baby.

Went for an HIV test and the guy giving it to me was gay and cute. I was like "If I'm neg, wanna go out?" (most awkward silence ever)

Just realized that everyone has thoughts and wants to express them. And it's like FUCK.

My safeword is Daddy No.

If gays aren't the worst people then why I am I one of them?

saw my grandpa's balls today by accident and it was weird seeing the balls who created the balls who created my balls.

I almost accidentally enjoyed something.

Sweat pants + big dick = yes yes yes yes yes

My doctor told me that eyebrow dandruff can be a sign of early Parkinson's and HIV/AIDS. It's like, let's just try a new moisturizer first.

I have a confession: not crazy about dolphins.

The worst part of a music open mic is when the musician on stage says "And now I'm going to play one of my own songs" and then he does