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"No more Mr. Nice Guy." - Mr. Nice Guy's suicide note
The first step to solving a math equation, is admitting that you have a problem.
I'm thinking of stopping a band.
I want to be the first to welcome Jessica Simpson's baby, Bart "Orange Juice" Simpson.
311 is the police code for “Awesome Band Alert.”
Do Satanists ever see something really good happen and wonder if there's no Devil?
Seems like you could save a lot of time if you just paired The Bachelor with The Bachelorette.
Eskimos have over five thousand words for "synonym".
Women tend to lie about their rage.
When Coldplay comes up with a new song, how do they know?
It's like that old Vegan saying; "You can't make an omelet".
I hope the government monitors my cellphone, because all I talk about are solutions for gun violence, overcrowded prisons, and poverty.
All homeless people are roommates.
The worst part about your entire family dying is scraping their decals off your car window, and replacing them with tiny tombstones.
The parking space outside my window was rated, "Most Interesting Place To Scream" by Little Mexican Kid Daily.
An awkward caveman invented the third wheel.
I just Shazam-ed someone puking and it came back as the Black Eyed Peas.
Pretty sure vending machines are just robots with transparent stomachs.