Hey everyone, IM IN THERAPY! IM IN THERAPY AND I THINK IT'S WORKING!

A lady ran a marathon and then immediately gave birth on the same day I went to the gym and didn't work out because I forgot my headphones.

With all the new yoga pant technology this is a great time to have a fat ass.

Politics: show business for ugly people.

No Sleep Till Brooklyn

I'm not fat, I'm approachable.

Cameron Diaz has the body of a young Dominican shortstop.

"you're ruining the bed."--wives

Time to spend a hundred dollars at the market so i can have my nothing to eat in the house for the week.

OBAMA IS A MAC AND ROMNEY IS A PC PLEASE RT

I'm so thin at Disneyland!

If you have a foot fetish and a Facebook account, this is your golden age.

I'm 40 but put me in a rental car with my dad and my brother and I turn 6 in a nintendo hockey minute.

Are there people in the world who go to Mexican restaurants and dont fill up on chips and salsa?

Act British, think Yiddish.

I left a little bit of my soul on hold with wells Fargo just now, listening to the Latin inspired instrumental version of Hotel California.

Im in the middle of chapter two of 57 different books.

the home phone just rang it was so scary!

People that use foursquare are lacking a healthy fear of being raped.

When I finally get pulled over for texting while driving my only question will be what took them so long.