"Come back with a warrant" - My new doormat.

This "auto-correct" feature, has been my worst enema.

Anytime a bird takes a crap on my car, I eat an entire plate of scrambled eggs on my porch. Just to show the birds what I'm capable of...

Men have two emotions, hungry & horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich.

'Surprise sex" is the best kind, to wake up to, - Unless you're in prison....

Mix up at the store today. when she said "Strip down, facing me", she was talkiing about, "My Credit Card" WTF?

Someone out there is smiling, & thinking about the positive impact you made on their life. It's not me. I still think you're an idiot.

Why do I come here? You people are fucking distrurbed......... Seriously.

Someday you'll look back on all of this, and plow into a row of parked cars.

Do these yoga pants make my "package" look bigger?

Sorry if I missed you. Was busy beating the shit out of someone, at the grocery store, for taking, "22 items", in the 12 items or less line.

Canadian province of Ontario legalizes brothels in landmark ruling - And Air Canada buys 20 more 747's to add flights from D.C. & U.S.

SHAME - "No, you shouldn't have done that for a klondike bar."

Someone out there is smiling, & thinking about the positive impact you made on their life. It's not me. I think you're a fucking idiot.

Rule #1. Never negotiate with the Monkey, while the Organ Grinder is still in the room.

“Set your life on fire. Seek those who fan your flames” - Rumi

Everyone brings, "Joy" to my office. Some when the enter, and others when they leave.

Don't let your tongue get your teeth knocked out.

Q. “What happened to your nose”, I asked him?
A. “I was talking, when I should have been listening”.

How was I supposed to know that, "The Big Bang Theory", was NOT about sex? - So now I have been banned from Oxford University too.