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No! I just got bit by a Dad. I feel the transformation starting *goes to Home Depot & buys materials to build a deck* I'M GONNA BUILD A DECK
The Hills have eyes. Bobby has eyes. Peggy has eyes. Hank has eyes. Ladybird has eyes. Luanne has eyes. Cotton has eyes. The Hills have eyes
You get to heaven. "Wtf is this" you say. Trillions of bugs are all over the place. "Oh yeah I forgot I worshipped bug jesus"
"IS IT 'COOL' AND 'IRONIC' TO HAIL ME NOW!?!?" Satan bellows as he pours lava on my dick for the 10,000th time
*tweets in 1st gear* vrrrrrrr *shifts to second gear* dildooooooo *3rd gear* scott baiooooooooooo *4th gear* denimmmm *5th gear* I'm saaaaad
USA RULES, WE'RE NUMBER 1 (in veteran suicides) WE'RE NUMBER 1 (in incarcerations) WE'RE NUMBER 1 (in obesity)
"I WRITE JOKES ON TWITTER" i blurt out on a first date. "....M...me too" she replies. The dumbest sex ever happened that night
Is it butt naked or buck naked? Is it buck wild or butt wild? Is it buck wheat or butt wheat?? Is the male deer a buck or a butt????
I suffer from small butthole syndrome. Well I dont really suffer, it's just that my poop comes out like angel hair pasta. Anyway as valedict
Sweet dreams are made of peas // Who am I to disagree // traveled the world to get some peas // what can i say i really like peas
Imagine a dude with big dangly balls standing on top of a tablesaw, slowly squatting down, never breaking eye contact. That man. Is America.
"This here is my man cave" - a bear showing you a cave filled with dead human bodies
Imagine cookie monster eating pussy
"I have dream. Where all these turtles will stop meddlin with my shit." - martin luther krang
Gene Wilder?? Fuck that, get me GENe WILDEST
Here's a tip for avoiding "twitter drama": go to "twitter genres" in settings and switch it over to "comedy" or "horror" or "sports"
How tiny can we breed dogs? "Very tiny. Microscopic canines we inject in your bloodstream. Nanodogs. They are cute as hell & in your blood"
Social bachelor, fiscal dad. I don't like being mean.
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