---> RT @corrinrenee: Dear all websites ever. My day phone is my evening phone is my home phone is my cell phone. Sincerely, 2013

I have completely eliminated your meal

Shorter Obama: drones suck less than wars.

“Fuck it. Just make ‘em all blue.” - Tarp Factory Manager

Reebok pumps but it's a distress signal that calls your mom.

Can anyone recommend a good social media website where people will answer every rhetorical question no matter how obvious?

Select-A-Size paper towels are perfect for when you need an extra large towel but want to end up pulling off a narrow strip of bullshit.

At this point, anything they play on the radio is a song I associate with looking for parking.

"a couple lives in an apartment" -the pitch for Mad About You, i assume

WHAT! I need this to be real. RT @simonblackwell: Time once again to post The Funniest Thing In The World.  http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vmb41PcarVY …

Eating all the wheat I can find because I'm a gluten for punishment.

I had to look up some words in your tweet but I’m faving it anyway.

Try to enjoy this week. Next week you're going to be enduring so much arguing about the new Arrested Development.

@billcorbett The Magic Christian! The "It's a Mad Mad Mad Mad World" of British cinema.

Fellow parents: you CAN revive dried-out Play-Doh. All you need is water, patience, and 70% of your life devoted to Play-Doh maintenance.

It’s pretty stupid how tube socks come in a resealable bag as if I’m not going to eat them all in one sitting.

@billcorbett I've given up on correcting people on Micrӧsӧft. Kids don't realize how metal Gates used to be.

Here's a good recipe for chicken they like worms seasoned with dirt.

I'm moving so slow today that the "Chariots Of Fire" theme is playing.

Asked for breakfast at Tiffany's and they forced me to eat a bowl of jewelry, then charged me. Guess they're sick of that joke.