Ladies, did Magic Mike make you too amorous? Come by my place and watch me eat a can of chili while complaining about the Predator sequels.

If you sex a lady while you're wearing Axe Body Spray and she's wearing new Axe for Women, your baby will come out riding a tiny jet ski.

If they want to make car alarms more annoying, they should change the sound to a 19-year-old explaining why they're not religious anymore.

Netflix is removing 1.8K classic movies but adding 90210. Related: McDonalds is replacing it's fries with cups of diseased pond water.

I'm not an ˝art guy˝ but I know what I like: Hand-drawn, unauthorized pictures of Disney characters on the sides of ice cream trucks.

Once a year, Johnny Depp and Tim Burton get together with Wes Anderson and Jason Schwartzman to jack off onto a pile of antique music boxes.

Is the new Winnie the Pooh movie part of the official continuity or is it in an alternate universe? Need to know for jack-off purposes.

The Mad Men collection at Banana Republic is o.k., but the Breaking Bad collection at TJ Maxx is to die for.

A new app lets you order Pizza Hut from your XBOX. It also shreds any job applications in your house while yelling ˝Sex is overrated!˝

I thought I was standing in line for Halo 4 but it was just this lame game where you fill out a scantron. Decent graphics, no multiplayer.

Every major news story this week could double as the premise of a Nicolas Cage movie.

I ask waitresses ˝do you take this?˝ and pull out my Gamestop Rewards card. We have a good laugh and they usually give me their number.

If you've ever corrected someone's pronunciation of "Bon Iver" you deserve to be hit in the crotch with a wiffle ball.

I'm going to open a generic British pub called ˝The Animal and the Inanimate Object.˝

Forbes named Kristen Stewart one of the most bankable actors, meaning she always has an expression like she’s standing in line at the bank.

The only way Palin's trip to Chik-fil-A could have seemed more desperate would be if she made a lip dub of Call Me Maybe in the dining room.

The hardest part about being Nicolas Cage is that you're having every single emotion all the time.

The families of the first five people trampled to death tonight at Walmart get a free copy of Fast Five on Blu-ray!

Whole Foods has a Thanksgiving display for various meatless turkey products. It’s called the “Difficult Cousin” section.

A good description for a strain of pot would be: ˝Will make you as chill as that cat who lives at the independent book store.˝