If I post something on Facebook and no one is there to read it, does it still make me a narcissist?

People sure like to talk about their kids, even when it's clear no one is interested. I need to keep that in mind when rambling about mine.

@betteroffjen Sooo, that's NOT where it is? We're NEVER gonna find it!

I like having cool friends. But I don't like having friends that like to brag about how cool they are. In related news: I'm awesome.

I could really use a Jedi mind trick about now.

Tortilla chips are not only delicious, but they are also a great method for transporting salsa onto my shirt.

I sure would like to see that t-rex making the bed photo a few hundred more times. Keep em coming!

Is it inappropriate to complement another man on the size of his phone?

@tigersgoroooar I wish I had the balls to post shit like that.

Every time I hear somebody say "Everything happens for a reason", I feel like pushing them into a bush. What's the reason for that, hmmm?

My t-shirt doesn't match my mood.

One thing that's kind-of a drag about living alone is that I can no longer pretend to not notice when the trash cans are full.

That awkward moment when you attempt to say good morning to someone at work and all that comes out is a crackly squeak.

I think it is time to stop obsessing about things which I cannot control and start focusing on the most important thing in life; wine.

@tigersgoroooar Okay, well, that and maybe our views on masturbation. #HotPocket

@tigersgoroooar @jimgaffigan Holy shit, we agree about something!

Ever have anyone talk to you with so many common expressions and cliche that you actually have no idea what the topic of the discussion is?

@hahneric I don't care who ya are, dats funny rite dare.

@mistookmistake We're honored, I'm sure.

@nickadoola The answer is, yes.