I'm sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I honestly thought you already knew.

Lord grant me patience cause if you grant me strength, I'm gonna beat the shit outta this bitch.

Need to find a man who understands and doesn't judge the fact that zombies excite me.

And yes, happiness is the best revenge.

I love you with my whole butt. I'd say heart...but my butt is bigger.

I used to be a people-person. But people ruined that for me.

What's in my fridge right now? Hummus and beer. Dear God, I'm gonna die alone...with a cat licking hummus off my chin..

Don't waste your pretty on him you dumb bitch.

I've been baking with blueberries today. My fingers look like I've been fingering Smurfette.

I do hope the two men talking to the lobsters at the grocery store are high..cuz the shit the lobster is saying is crazy.

I didn't text you, the whore Merlot did.

Funny how time changes everything. I used to hate getting spankings.

My soul was removed to make room for all this sarcasm.

Best text message of the night.. "What time do you get off and can I watch?"

Peanut butter is buy one get one free. I bought four jars. The cashier thinks I'm kinky, I know it. She winked at me.

The woman in front of me at the grocery store just spent 68$ on cat food and snacks. Please lil baby jesus, don't let that be me in 40yrs.

Its a good nite when you lose your pants in the hallway but manage to hold onto your Subway BLT.

Sick of bitches bitching about other other bitches being bitches. Gonna hide in my pillow fort now and watch a movie.

I'm going 2do something tonight that is unheard of, frowned upon by many, &may cause u to laugh til u pee yourself. I'm going to read a book

May your life one day be as awesome as you pretend it is on Facebook. (well wishes for poopy head arse hole ex)