When the step kids start talking shit, I like to remind them that I am totally boning their mom.

A cat licks its nuts and no one gives a shit; I do it and everyone is like "Get the fuck away from my cat!"

I got 99 problems and the bitch heard me call her a bitch so now I have 100.

If your parents constantly criticize you, ask them if the problem is bad genes or poor parenting.

When you have 1000 pictures of your family on Facebook and zero of you, I hope you don't think you are fooling anyone.

Want a doughnut?

I think God made homosexuality and fornication a sin because his boyfriend thought it was soooo hot to be naughty.

I've noticed the states that outlaw anal and blowjobs have no problems with me fucking my sister.

I was unfollowed by a girl I really liked. In retrospect, sending her the doll I made from her hair and toenail clipping was a bit much.

I'd rather get sodomized by an angry gorilla then use Miracle Whip on my sandwich.

If all of us were stranded on a desert island after a plane crash, I could never never eat one of you to survive.

Unless there was gravy.

I enjoy bowling. It satisfies my urge to stick my fingers into diseased-ridden holes on nights that your mom is too busy.

Wow! That leprosy really brings out your eyes.

The kids are asking why I'm wearing sunglasses in the house today. Spiked their morning OJ with vodka so we are on the same page.

I just got a papercut.

That piece of shit paper can kiss recycling goodbye.

Is it pronounced "for fuck's sake" or "for fuck sake?" I need this letter of recommendation to sound professional.

I was told an avi of my real face would get me "more whores following you." Sold.

Baby Bacon Jesus. Nothing more needs to be said. http://t.co/xU52kjtt

"Cracking open a cold one" takes on a sick new meaning when you work at a funeral home.

The dishwasher is making weird noises. Probably because she's outside chopping firewood.

Facebook has just made it very difficult to delete your account, but posting a picture of the GF sucking my cock worked QUICK! Me: 1 FB: 0