When at a stoplight next to a bus, it's safe to assume that everyone in the bus thinks it's cool that you own a car.

Whenever I have a moment of insecurity, I remind myself that penguins have no idea that we're all laughing at them.

Thank goodness for the guitar. Imagine how many ukuleles Hendrix would've eaten while trying to play it with his teeth.

No one had ever drank Powerade instead of Gatorade without making a mistake first.

I knew I found my haircut guy when, right before he started cutting, he looked at me and said, "Okay, let's have some fun."

Interracial gay couples make sense to me. If you're going to go for the same sex, why not mix it up with the race.

Just saw my vacuum from an angle that made it look like my Aunt Seth.

There must be a person whose job is to hose down the "Price is Right" audience before every show.

If the guy with the huge car has a small penis, does the guy driving really close behind me like anal?

I think the RV I just walked by had some pretty sweet Surround Sound speakers inside. Either that or I should've called the police.

After hearing the way all wives speak to their husbands at the Perry Ellis outlet store, I'm convinced that my parents love each other.

Guys, my clubbin' skills are getting weak, who wants to practice?!?

I might buy shoes based on looks, but I end up wearing them based on smell.

I don't know how many women read this thing, but I can get my sunglasses off and on in like 8 seconds.

Inside my duffel bag I have two more duffel bags. In case I'm backpacking thru Europe, get recruited by the army, and that army has a gym.

Every morning while getting dressed I tell the outfit I've assembled that, "You're only here because society doesn't want to see my penis."

Every time I pull an old receipt out of my pocket, in my mind I'm going, "So this is archeology?"

Okay, so the TSA guy doesn't like being asked if the x-ray machine will dry all my unfinished laundry.

If you judge a movie by how many dogs are in it, then it's going to be pretty hard to beat "101 Dalmatians."

I'm never more nervous than when I don't know if I'm eating at a place where I'm supposed to bus my own table.