When did I turn so mean and cynical? (Want to know so I can celebrate the anniversary.)

No, door-to-door salesman, I am not interested in any "Child Protective Services" but thanks **SLAM**

I've reached the age where I no longer take naps. Naps take ME.

My blueprint for world peace begins with bigger ketchup packets.

God amighty, 'The Human Centipede' is the WORST superhero EVER.

Shakeweight: $19.95. Personal lube: $5.99. Alligator clamps & duct tape: $3.79. Look on Rite Aid cashier's face: Priceless.

No Corey Haim during "in memoriam?" Take note, Sheen, take note.

Opening a beer while holding a baby is harder than you'd think.

90% of success is going in with a plan; the other 90% is being willing to say "OK, fuck the plan."

I pack an iPhone4 and a Blackberry Bold (for work). Like dating Claire Danes on the condition that Temple Grandin tags along.

Somehow Trader Joe's manages to employ only people who would appear to be above working at Trader Joe's.

"Nailed it!" -Very annoying carpenter.

We are never safe. There is no such thing.

♫ I see you standin' in line for some rice noodle soup, and I'm like, "Phở queue" ♫

Every dog command is basically "STOP BEING A GODDAMNED DOG."

If you're considering children, may I suggest instead a nice merlot?

Abs are sore from puking. So I'm 8 pounds lighter AND ripped! I wanna get sick every week!

Please, people, don't take things personal. Take them personally.

How do we know DJs aren't just pressing play and then trying to look busy?

So this is the day Jesus was bitten by the zombie?