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Twitter: If she looks thin, she's fat; If she looks fat, she's funny; If she looks hot, she's a dude; If he's a dude, he's unemployed.
Listen, bro, Karma Chameleon is gonna be turned up pretty loud, so you're gonna need to shout your safe word.
My signature move is rolling down the window and reminding my wife to get me a Kit Kat after she's done pumping the gas.
Um. Hello? It’s morning. You can leave now... Mom’s not making breakfast for three..
Chillin' outside KMart with a soft pretzel and slushie. Bitches be eyin' my shit...
If I'm wearing Jordache jeans, you know I'm on fuck patrol.
Watching the toilet water reach the rim but get sucked back down before overflowing is probably a lot like skydiving or going outside.
My signature move is saying, "I'm so ashamed of myself" with a mouthful of food.
When I'm not rejecting some prime pussy, I'm flashing my debit card around the dollar store.
I can only assume that each time Maroon 5 and Matchbox 20 members pass eachother in a hotel lobby, they all crouch and start snapping.
I've got 99 problems and most of them centered around portion control and lack of exercise.
I remember when Instagram used to be the nickname for a reliable coke dealer.
Hate to do this, need a transplant and pretty important I get one soon. Putting this out there if you want to donate: http://patients.transplants.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=485635&lis=1&supId=375313393&patientPID=16123 …
Public pools: The Walmart that doesn't make you wear a shirt.
Found my wife's big Black back massager under our bed... He said he was fixing the box spring.
My safe word is "This feels kinda gay"
My friends, Ive accepted a liver offer and am headed for prep. I just want to send a thank you to all who donated, sent well-wishes and
"Is THIS your card!" - Hallmark sales clerk every time David Blaine comes in.
I like to pick up male hitchhikers and, after a brief exchange of pleasantries, fall silent & play WHAM!'s "Careless Whisper" on a loop.
This Train. TeamBackFat
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