Friend cracked us up telling of a patient who under "Recreational Drugs" on history section listed "Birth Control Pills."

Tweets on live TV site yesterday had idiots talking abt how old female anchor looked & stating the victims needed to get right w/ God. 0_o

Wow. My stepdaughter & granddaughter were in the leveled Briarwood school. Everyone from the school is OK. Those drills aint' for nothin!

I'm considering hairspraying & scrunching the hell out of it. RT @miscrissy22: This weather is killing my hair!!! Frizzy is sexy right, lol?

@stevehuff All clear, thanks!

Given the # of times hotel maids have walked in on me semi-clad, I think using the dead bolt should be my go-to plan.

She come with a dowry? RT @ristolable: My daughter just sneezed all over my sandwich if anybody wants a two-year-old for free.

@jenremauro A bite of one? Don't you mean a nibble off the corner of each?

@socialustgal13 Haha! I tweeted, "Is that a 50 ft hose in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?"

@savagesooner @johnniesok Quality of the iced tea and ranch dressing are fine tests of a restaurant. Good job!

"I had the most vidid sex dream last night, and you were there... And you! And you! And you!..." - Awkward start to a board meeting.

@jenny_bird You make a delightful throw rug! Get some rest, my dear.

@jacctrippa When I was little, I thought "nigra" had something to do with Niagra Falls. Why are there so many black people from Canada?

Tempted to add "Hand Model for Jiffy Lube" to my Other Experience section just so LinkedIn can include it in updates to my network.

@brookeashleyb @cokeman You don't want to miss out...she's a great kisser!

The grocery is advertising gift certificates for grads. Nothing says, "Don't let the door hit you on the ass on the way out" like that.

The self-defeating tapes in my mind are so old, they're on 8-tracks.

@stevehuff How to Cook Everything is a great cookbook for beginning chefs. Teaches you how to make meatloaf, not goat cheese & fig meatloaf.

Is that a 50 ft hose in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me?  http://twitpic.com/cqbc9v 

I've decided to treat this as a euphamism. RT @laurirottmayer: I have way too many tabs open and, unrelated, I'm going to make mayonnaise.