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Going to movies w another dude, I don't leave seats open between us to avoid looking gay. I'm pretty secure...I just sit in the guy's lap.
People say I wear my emotions on my sleeve. Today I'm wearing a 3-piece suit of "go fuck yourself."
California reverses Gay Marriage ban, homophobe Rick Santorum wins all 3 GOP primaries, and Mayans begin printing Apocalypse 2012 t-shirts.
The term "happy camper" is so bogus. Ever been camping? It sucks.
The Empire takes a moment to consider a new strategy #LessAmbitiousMoviesContest
Web shoeseller Zappos cyber-hacked. FBI describes suspect as white, 20yrs old, wearing hoodie, ski cap, & open-toed wedges w a modest heel.
It's amazing what your ass can do...when you sit on an i-phone.
At what point does a Hemorrhoid Specialist say to themselves,"Hey, you know what? I really want to be a hemorrhoid specialist..."?
Celery has negative calories. Sweet Jesus, that makes me hungry. For bacon.
The "secret toy surprise" in every box of Cracker Jack never ceases to disappoint the crap out of me.
R.I.P. French Downhill skier Jaques Fuquinay. Not sure if that's his last name, but that's the last thing he said before he hit that tree...
This Mitt Romney character looks like he's auditioning for the role of Superman's pappy. 'Cept his name would be Bore-El...
Checked into GROUPON for 58% off Pole-Dancing classes. Why 58%? Cuz 58 is the mininum age at the assisted living facility where it goes down
NASA discovers a habitable planet like Earth just outside our Solar System. While there are no discernible life forms, there is a Starbucks.
Maybe it's a good thing Girl Scout cookies are only sold once a year. I'm eating these Thin Mints like the goddammed box was on fire.
Lara Croft: Fridge Raider #LessAmbitiousMoviesContest
I bet the DosEquis Most Interesting Man in the World is over-compensating for a very uninteresting and really shitty puberty.
My Arab hip-hop name is Infidelicous.
Kinda Loud and Incredibly All Up in My Shit #LessAmbitiousMoviesContest