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And I drink to myself... what a wonderful world
If you need anything broken or destroyed, then I'm your man
If child services had a twitter account, nobody would have kids
There's gotta be a way to use mirrors as portals. We just haven't figured it out yet.
Hey, girls who eat xanax mercilessly to get fucked up... I hope your vaginas aren't as hollow as that shell of a human being you're wearing
The one benifit of having a DUI, is that nobody ever asks me for a ride anywhere
let's skip the pleasantries, and smoke some pleasant trees
Whenever two girls go to the bathroom together, I assume they just want to privately discuss which one gets to fuck me
Don't let the unfollow button hit you on the way out
Strip clubs really aren't that appealing to me. Why waste money I don't have, on girls I can't touch, in a room full of dudes with boners?
Girls are so sneaky when they cheat. If you catch your gf cheating on you, play the lotto that night, because you're one lucky motherfucker.
I'm Captain Obvious' arch-nemesis: Captain Oblivious. My superpower is getting high and not noticing things that are right in front of me
The Whore Code: 1) Don't catch feelings 2) Always wear a condom 3) Regret nothing. Unless you catch something from ignoring rule number two
Who's idea was it to eat pills with your ass? And they let that guy be a doctor?! Fuck that
Bye bye, followers I lost today. Eat plenty of dicks.
I wonder if Jeffrey Dahmer ever had a 'real' cuban sandwhich
Camel toe. Such an ugly word, for such a beautiful thing.
When people say "Let's blow this joint", leaving isn't the first thing that comes to mind.
Women: it doesnt matter how you do it. Shave it, trim it, wax it, cut it, weed eat it... idgaf. Just PLEASE maintain your fucking body hair.
[songwriter, space cadet, midnight crusader, human paradox]