The people who sing the opening song to the Fairly Oddparents #RappersBetterThanSouljaBoy

And I drink to myself... what a wonderful world

If you need anything broken or destroyed, then I'm your man

If child services had a twitter account, nobody would have kids

There's gotta be a way to use mirrors as portals. We just haven't figured it out yet.

Hey, girls who eat xanax mercilessly to get fucked up... I hope your vaginas aren't as hollow as that shell of a human being you're wearing

The one benifit of having a DUI, is that nobody ever asks me for a ride anywhere

let's skip the pleasantries, and smoke some pleasant trees

Whenever two girls go to the bathroom together, I assume they just want to privately discuss which one gets to fuck me

Don't let the unfollow button hit you on the way out

Strip clubs really aren't that appealing to me. Why waste money I don't have, on girls I can't touch, in a room full of dudes with boners?

Girls are so sneaky when they cheat. If you catch your gf cheating on you, play the lotto that night, because you're one lucky motherfucker.

I'm Captain Obvious' arch-nemesis: Captain Oblivious. My superpower is getting high and not noticing things that are right in front of me

The Whore Code: 1) Don't catch feelings 2) Always wear a condom 3) Regret nothing. Unless you catch something from ignoring rule number two

Who's idea was it to eat pills with your ass? And they let that guy be a doctor?! Fuck that

Bye bye, followers I lost today. Eat plenty of dicks.

I wonder if Jeffrey Dahmer ever had a 'real' cuban sandwhich

Camel toe. Such an ugly word, for such a beautiful thing.

When people say "Let's blow this joint", leaving isn't the first thing that comes to mind.

Women: it doesnt matter how you do it. Shave it, trim it, wax it, cut it, weed eat it... idgaf. Just PLEASE maintain your fucking body hair.