Don't play with a womans heart, she only has one...


Play with her boobs, she has two of those.

What is it with with women and candles?

I never know if we're going to have sex or a sacrifice.

Twitter let's me live vicariously through myself.

I'm going to have sex with you in my head right now... we're doing it... we're doing it... now it's over.


Sorry.

If you love someone, set them free. If they return... something, something, Justin Bieber's a lesbian.

A typical conversation between Randy Savage & The Kool-Aid man:

"Ooh Yeah!"


"Ooh Yeah!"


"Ooh Yeah!"


"Ooh Yeah!"

When life gives you lemons, squeeze them in to someones eyes. You'll feel better.

I appreciate women that have to hold their boobs when they run.

Can someone please get Michael Jacksons Doctors phone number for Justin Bieber.

Turkeys bother me, I'm glad we eat them.

It only took me a second to show you how much I feel for you...

The police called it indecent exposure, but whatever.

Tori Spelling had a baby. It was 9'0lbs 21 0z's. (only some of you will get this)

GF: Can we try something new?

Me: Ok

GF: I want you to choke me during sex.

Me: Just during sex? How about during dinner?

"Like" this tweet if you understand sarcasm.

Is Snookie really pregnant? How is she going to push a baby out of her penis?

When I am President I will make it legal to kill all the Kardashians. I will also sign an order declaring Justin Bieber is in fact a lesbian

I bet midgets hold a grudge against the whole high-five thing.

Next time I go for a massage, I'm asking for the Travolta.

Ladies if we ask what's wrong and you say "nothing", we will believe you... and stop asking us the fat question...

ALL WE WANT IS A BLOWJOB

Dating only ends up one of two ways:

1: Serious relationship, marrige & family.

2: Serious drinking problem, AA meetings & child support.