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I was licking this girl all over her face right up until she explained to me what doggy style was.
My daughter surprised me with the where do babies come from question today. My answer was $5 domestic pitchers and whiskey usually.
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
I swear, the next person that says "how can you be single, you are sooo funny"; I'm pullng my pants down and showing them why.
After an ex-wife, a string of girlfriends, it took an 8 year old to teach me that holding hands just meant she was glad I was right there.
I'm so fucked. My white half can't dance til I get drunk, but my mexican half won't quit drinking til I can't walk.
I hope my shower appreciates all the pineapple I've been eating lately.
My girlfriend is really getting into filming our sexcapades. The only thing I don't like is the guy she has playing me.
I'll go on a diet when they stop making delicious food.
I often mistake flirty conversation as an invitation to make dumb statements that convince you to never want to talk to me again.
I don't always drink, but when I do I don't fuck around.
My wish for all of humanity is that we could all be as happy as women in tampon commercials.
I remember when I was a kid, and still had feelings, and a soul, and stuff.
Most of the time when I appear to be in deep thought, I'm just thinking about what I'm going to build with my Legos when I get home.
If you are one of those girls that save it for marriage, I'm one of those guys that gets married on the first date.
The thing I love most about my ex-girlfriend is the prefix.
Love is such a strong word. I would be much more comfortable ordering a meat-liker's pizza.
If you own anything with Winnie the Pooh on it, its probably not gonna work out.
If a girl likes you, but you don't really like her, you should probably hit that when you get the chance, cause you're an asshole like that.
Made entirely of cells
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