Do these moobs make me look fat?

Oh I'm sorry. Did that flush interrupt your cell phone conversation?

I'm running late to work. I can't help it if this masturbation session is 2 hours long.

Finally, everyone has left the office. A minute longer and I would've burped that fart.

These nuts were made for bustin' and that's what they will do. One of these days my nuts will bust all over you.

I wish last night's dinner of 'pulled pork' was a euphemism. FML

Your face hurts my feelings. Here put this bag over it.

Planning on renewing our vows. Hope she likes this Nuvaring.

You've gone through all that trouble you might as well keep going. Related: swallowing.

Didn't Jesus say looking at a woman with sexual desire in your heart was the same as actually having sex with her? I win!!!

Oh great now the LG chocolate is touch screen. Everything nowadays is touch screen. Touch this, touch that. Why don't you touch my penis!

If you download an app called 'the moron test', does it automatically make you one?

Man does not live by bread alone, also stars.

Hey TLC, the idea of airing a show '650lb virgin' is not as appealing as a 650lb labia.

There are black skid marks on this toilet seat. What in the world did you fucking eat?

This cock isn't going to fuck itself.

I'm so hungry I can eat an entire vagina.

123456789101112...dooodoodoodooodododooodooo...what? It's Sesame Street. Never mind, you won't understand.

Me: 2 pairs is fine. Wife: no, because the one's at home have holes. Cashier: umm debit or credit? Related: never shop4underwear w/the wife.

It's a full moon out. That would explain me humping your leg.