Stripper is a pejorative term. Here we call them what they are, single mothers, or shoe models

If my wife doesn't stop eating that popsicle that way, I'm going to eat the hole out of a doughnut while she watches

Oh nothing, just dying, slowly, in the space between who I really am and who people want me to be

Wait, wait, wait. Mountain Time is real? I thought that was myth. You know, like Bigfoot, or the female orgasm

There's "hot" and then there's "hot enough." Also, there's "funny" and then there's "funny enough since she's hot"

Can I steal a tweet that's already been stolen? It's ALREADY been stolen. That's the same as finding it floating in international waters.

The closest I ever come to working out is when I pick up an ounce.

The wife insists on wearing a shirt during the movie. You know who else wore shirts? The Nazis.

Any parent of a 3 year old is also an amateur locksmith

The wife's dumbass friends are over. She said to act normally. So, I'm going to get *way* too drunk and make an ass of myself.

My 3yo just became a woman. She's angry with me for something I didn't do & didn't even know about until she was already mad about it.

My going out sweatpants say "jucy" on the back, because the i is usually in my ass crack.

A guy died on a segway? It's the saddest when someone dies without ever getting to have sex.

Look you uppity fucker. I don't care how nice your place is, you have a toilet plunger. Because sometimes you shit bigger than you can flush

There's the kind of love that lasts a lifetime, and then there is my preference...the kind of love that lasts around 7 minutes

What is this "sarcasm" everyone is talking about?

Don't look at your mom under a black light, trust me.

Who wants to help me test out my new vasectomy?

I'm not sure if you're a boy or a girl, but I'm going to masturbate to your avi anyway

Shaved my beard into a weird mustache, because I didn't look enough like a gay biker.