If you watch 127 Hours backwards it's an uplifting story about a disabled man finding an arm in the desert.

"Internet Explorer... The number 1 browser for downloading another browser."

I've told you a million times not to exaggerate.

I was raised as an only child.... which really annoyed my sister

Tip: rub sand in your pubes, the crabs will feel more at home.

Can somebody clear up when it's cool for me to 'rock out with my cock out' and when it's not. I was getting funny looks at the post office.

George just told me he was ´bi´ -- how curious.

You can´t buy hapiness but you can buy tickets to a petting zoo and that´s basically the same thing.

As a British Citizen, please America... Don't let Romney win. Thanks.

Ok people on Facebook we get it... you're not drinking EVER again.

#sssp the three muskaqueers

My life is a movie and I have cast myself in the role of handsome yet predictable hero.

The fun thing about "trends" is that the word "trendy" went out of fashion with saved by the bell.

Why is that dude putting make-up on? #kavos

I swallow two pieces of string and an hour later they come out of my ass tied together..... I shit you knot.

January Sales are like the opening scene of saving private ryan

GF: I love it when you realize a dream isn't real. Me: Don't tell that to Martin Luther King.

Some of these Romney tweets are hilarious, remember ladies if he wins you wont be able to tweet and he will have control of your vagina.

"Cheeky Finger" is going to be the name of my next pet.

@chris_stark #hero My claim to fame that I intend to abuse is having that bbq with you and @scott_mills at @jakedactilides house :)