"If you hold the Down button and A at the same time, it makes it easier for the wild Pokemon to stay in the ball." Joe Biden added helpfully

The troops can fight and die for the nebulous concept of "freedom" elsewhere, but everyone ignores union workers who died for rights at home

We had literal children burrowing around in the ground for coal and getting stuck in textile machines less than a century ago

As if all the employers one day woke up and said, "Let's give everybody a 40-hour work week, you know, they really earned it."

I hope Obama experiments with a beard if he wins a second term

The "socially liberal" in "socially liberal, fiscally conservative" means "I'm willing to get high with gay guys in certain social settings"

.@realalexjones get eaten by a reptilian you piece of shit

Hello sir, I-*briefcase full of stolen jokes falls open*

some of you people have each other's phone numbers and sometimes talk on the phone and it makes me SICK

Your argument is myopic, absurd, and counter-revolutionary. Starfleet Academy would be way more fun than Hogwarts, idiot.

DADS: there are full centuries of history to study that aren't the Civil War to WWII

A wizard never prematurely ejaculates, Frodo Baggins. He cums exactly when he means to.

My high school guidance counselor slipped on her son's N64 cartridge and broke her arm while doing laundry. If only she had a gun. #nra

Who would win in a fight: China or the US? *smashes maps together while making sound effects*

what the deaths of Chavez and Thatcher have taught me is that the more poor people you fuck over, the nicer your eulogy will be

Imagine if the media spent a third of the time it devotes to Thanking the Troops to thanking teachers. Would that actually bother anyone?

That's a pretty nice deal...FOR ME TO GROUPON!

8 shootings in Chicago last night and the rest of the country doesn't even blink:  http://www.chicagotribune.com/news/local/breaking/chi-2-wounded-in-far-south-side-shooting-20130418,0,2171605.story …

My bastard of a father on his deathbed, arguing with his son about Star Wars canon. So close to death and still so wrong about midichlorians

Let me translate every single racist, horrible, and stupid opinion on today's events for you: "I AM SCARED, ESPECIALLY OF DEATH."