People should start sending nail clippings with their paid bills. Maybe even a pube. Just one.

I'm a firm believer in love at first sight. By firm believer I mean desperate virgin.

Bartender asked me if I've been watching the game. I stared blankly, cause you know, I'm gay.

Too lazy to make bacon, too lazy to go out and buy a bacon cheeseburger. Clay Aiken is gay.

Nothing says "I'm into you" like a throbbing erection.

My other ride is your husband.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, UFC fights are the hottest soft-core gay porn EVER.

Where's Giraffe week?

So this Google+ is a Christian date rape site right? So excited.

I always feel bad for the man carrying his wife's purse, cause you know his balls are lost in there.

Can't we all just touch each other inappropriately to get along?

Gang bangs: when one daddy issue isn't enough.

The only thing i like more than being naked, is being naked while having a beer and pizza.

Yeah i'm having this quesadilla at 11pm. I blame this pregnancy.







What? I always hear you ladies saying it. #equality

Can't.stop.eating.must.burn.weed.

So, all this Rebecca Black talk made me google her, bad idea. Thanks for the heads up assholes.

Hey blonde Asians, you're not fooling anyone.

So much for my previous plans. Smoked & forgot them. Ended up staying on this shit; drinking Dr. Pepper & masturbating in a Barney costume.

Debating between a shower, brushing my teeth, or neither.

I like edamame because I like salty balls