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Don't be jealous, but for 15 minutes every two weeks I am a thousandnaire.
I get nervous when a guy asks "going down" at the elevator, my usual response to that question is "can I put chocolate syrup on it first?"
Diet Coke addiction Plan: Week 1 Replace Diet Coke with Iced Lattes Week 2: Replace Iced Lattes with Crack
Wish I had more boob cleavage so I can hide makeup, candy, shanks and other useful shit
Found a penny stuck to my leg this morning, guess my body pillow was disappointed in my performance last night.
You mean the wishbone is not in Uncle Randy's pants? thats what I was told growing up.
Listening to R Kelley's I Believe I can fly makes me sad because I can't fly.. And that I never get to pee on anyone
Doing P90X is making me want to start flashing my neighbors....hey I am proud of these boobs.....I mean abs!
The time changes on Sunday, after two years my car radio clock will be the correct time again.
I really need to start running naked, my lower legs are a nice golden brown, while my ass and upper legs blind me every morning
I'm never more proud when my dog understands "Sit the fuck down!!"
Don't DM me weirdos! I am only here to steal your jokes and feel better about my life so that I drink 1 bottle of vodka a day instead of 2
Evidently the grocery store is having a "Holla at girls thirty years younger then you" celebration today
Government announces free birth control for woman......yea!! time to update my whore license!
When someone on the treadmill next can't beat me, I just laugh and laugh and blow my cigarette smoke in their face.
So people really buy followers? How pathetic!!!!!
So how much do they cost? And what alley do I have to go to?
BF goes to the store to buy condoms, I tell him "Don't buy those magnums again, they keep slipping off"...then I leave him while he is gone.
Is being a ginger like a disease? You know like a ginger ale-ment?
The news said my jeans will increase my risk of stroke....is it because I wear them so tight that it cuts my circulation off to my brain?
You know its going to be one of those days when it starts out with a king sized bags of Peanut Butter M&Ms!
Don't be jealous but for 15 minutes every two weeks I am a thousandnaire.