Diarrhea would be pretty name for a little girl if it didn't mean diarrhea.

Husband says he likes me better when I'm sober. I told him I like him more when he keeps his stupid opinions to himself.

I don't do anything like a "boss". I'm more "mid-management."

Listening to Rage Against the Machine on cassette tape because I still refuse to conform.

The five minutes before my husband comes home is when I hide everything in the dishwasher or closet so he knows I had a productive day.

It's not your daddy's fault you're a whore.

Wedding vows should be changed from "to love and to cherish" to "put up with my stupidity and wipe my ass when I'm old."

I see your tired joke and raise you one more crappy tweet in the same stupid format.

You whored yourself out to gain 1000+ followers, only to unfollow all but 150? Fuck you, buddy.

Telling me that I'm acting like a bitch will only get you the silent treatment. Well played, husband. I see what you did there.

My tweets may suck, but they're all mine.

I could use a flash mob in my panties right about now.

This year, I am thankful for my FB friends that haven't found my Twitter account.

This thing I have to do isn't going to do itself.

Twitter randomly unfollowed a few of my favorite people. I thought you guys were just liars, but it really does happen.

I'm not afraid to be home alone because my dog has a scary bark. But if I'm ever attacked by a vacuum cleaner I'm screwed.

I'm not racist. I don't care what color you are. Unless you're green or some shit like that, in which case you need to stay away from me.

I just made the leader bored.

"No, you hit delete." "No, you delete first." "No, you go." "Fine. We'll do it together. 1,2,3." -Twitter couple killing their accounts.

I never had acne, dandruff, or a full beard until I got pregnant. Louis CK was right. Kids are assholes.