Please don't whine to me about anxiety.. With my panic disorder i have to take a Xanax when SpongeBob gets excited

I'm at my moms bellydancing performance. I can't express how much I wish this was a joke.

I was thinking instead of spending 30 minutes every morning on twitter I'd try exercising. Then I started laughing, and got kinda winded.

I wish more of my followers knew about the fickle world of Favstar.. My shitty tweets aint gonna star themselves

If someone calls me "dog" I take that as a green light to mount them and assert my dominance.

"Sometimes my balls itch while I'm eating pudding." -Spork commercial

When I see a car worth more than $100K, I write "thanks for creating jobs" on it with my keys.

You know it's true love when she lets you cut a fuck hole in her Snuggie.

I can't be the only one who is pulling an eight ball into a syringe, crying, & listening to Belinda Carlisle's 'Heaven is a Place on Earth'.

A girl i graduated with always quotes bible verses on her facebook posts. Hey, weren't you the one who loved giving blumpkins?

I'm really disappointed with North Korea for not doing some Weekend At Bernie's shit with Kim Jong Il!

Eating turkey bacon is like getting a blowjob with a rubber on.

My girlfriend is watching Toy Story 3. I'm high, and torn between wanting to fuck her or play Hungry Hungry Hippos.

Jesus showed up here. He took a shower and turned the water into wine. Now he's all fucked up and we're sending dick pics to Oprah.

I bet the guy that invented these corn on the cob holders that look like little corn on the cob gets blowjobs with a rubber on.

I wear sweatpants because it's easier for imaginary ladies to get at my junk.

Telling your friends how awesome your girl is at blowjobs is like throwing a fat, juicy, wounded rabbit to the wolves.

I'm the guy at Weight Watchers meetings with ranch dressing on his crotch.

Facebook = Pat Robertson, Twitter = Charlie Sheen

If a lady asks to "slob your knob" she's my kind of classy.