If anyone finds the winning lotto ticket, it's mine

When I was a teenager all I wanted to do was get my hands on some breasts. Now I'm 40 all I want to do is get rid of them. ;)

I can't believe they've found horse meat in Ikea meatballs. They'll be telling us they've found wood in their furniture next. ;)

Actually, just fell down the stairs but I class that as exercise

Evening, you gorgeous, wonderful people you :)

I don't care how good it is, an ipad mini sounds like a sanitary towel

Please be aware that however much we love the Olympics, lycra is not a suitable fashion statement.

When I said I wanted to see more cleavage this year, I didn't mean my own. Diet starts tomorrow....or Monday

Gosh, England look like a team that has spent all its time drinking & chasing women since they've been in New Zealand.......oh, they have

The shiny happy people have lost their religion, now everybody hurts & this song goes out to the one I love. What's the frequency Kenneth?

Major anti climax in London as 100,000 people realise that they aren't queuing for the X factor auditions

Don't do this often, but would appreciate an RT: Inspiring & rewarding mentoring opportunities. Volunteers wanted:  http://www.equalapproach.com/mentoring.php 

Over 40 yrs ago man landed and walked on the moon, this week a man had a hand transplant. Tonight I'm watching celebrities fall into a pool.

I think that some people that walk the corridors of power should only be there if they're painting them

Apparently the X Factor is on and twitter is angry

I'm off for a soak in the hot tub in the garden. I haven't got a hot tub, so I think I'll stand in a bucket instead.

Heating on........nobody's getting Xmas present's now

Just seen an advert asking me to adopt a Jaguar......no problems I'll adopt an XFR in black :)

Pls RT Is anyone going from York to Southend as we have a very special delivery waiting to be delivered? A 18' Kayak for charity!

Dear diet, it's called a Cadbury's creme egg.......deal with it