If you could only hear my eyes roll.

Relationships are like farts, you shouldn't force one that's not there or the end result could be shitty.

I look forward to the end of every night, when I take off my bra, and I am greeted as a liberator.

One should not accidentally tie themselves to the deck railing by the drawstring of their pants whilst in an argument.

I KNOW I chewed that corn.

Twitter: Come here to get ignored by celebrities.

It's been like spending 2 years at Disneyland without ever getting a hug from Mickey.

Thank goodness the dinosaurs believed in reincarnation or we wouldn't have plastics or high gas prices.

I am tapped out.

of jokes.

Seriously, I wouldn't mind if you tapped this.

I need a lesson in how to give constructive feedback.

I've been told that saying, "This is shit.", isn't very professional.

I just learned that 'NSFW' means 'Not Safe For Work'.

Who knew that an 'F' in an acronym could be so innocent.

You're about as loyal as the average shampoo user.

I am already resenting tomorrow.

Sometimes I wish my fist was detachable... and that it was shaped like a boomerang.

Woah! 1,000 stars that can buy you a whole lot of nothing!

Fruit Loops-- the dietary staple of mental institutions.

Imagine if Jessica Rabbit and Thumper had a baby. It would probably look a lot like Taylor Swift.

It's Words With Friends until I lose, then it's Words With Fists.

People who are constantly raising the bar must have some weird thing against drunk midgets.

I hear cracking your knuckles makes your fingers fat & in order to do something about my midsection, I've decided to stop cracking my back.

I don't know about you, but I use my Facebook to force my good taste on everyone.