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My girlfriend just told me she fakes orgasms. Whatever, I fake monogamy.
Nicky Minaj is the 2nd hottest dude I've ever seen.
Pink is still number 1.
You my boy Pink! You my boy!
I just pissed in a bottle, while lighting a cigarette, while driving drunk, without spilling my beer. Pretty sure I'm a superhero...........
Jesus just came to me in a dream.... Most awkward wet dream ever.
I hope my daughter doesn't grow up to be stripper. Cause there's only one nudie bar in town and I don't want to spend weekends with the mrs.
I farted loudly in public today and my 82 year old grandma laughed until she cried. The highlight of my year.
During a full moon, if you close your eyes and remain completely silent, you can almost hear Tom Cruise shitting on John Travolta's chest...
You know she's got a hairy pussy when you get pubes in your mouth just fingering her.
Before twitter there was no chance a celebrity would ever see my cock. For this twitter, I thank you, Mila Kunis probably does too.
Sometimes I think I'm awesome. Other times I remember my ex wife is a lesbian.
Knock knock. Who's there? #shittytweetclub
If I was a woman they'd be beautiful, but since I have a penis my breasts are disgusting.
So is my penis.
I gauge how drunk I was by how many texts I get demanding apologies.
This morning I have 6 and a death threat.
Absinthe was a good choice.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To join #shittytweetclub
I was going to riot but the police haven't killed any white people lately. #totdriot
After sex I always tell her that the other girls cum, and its her fault she didn't.
Her vagina is broken.
Then I ask for my money back.
There's nothing worse than being matched with your sister on eHarmony.
Except your sister not putting out on the first date.... :(
I just cut a fart so bad Tinkerbell died...
You know you're getting too fat when your back tits sweat more than your knee pits.
Sticks and stones may break my bones but vaginas will always thrill me