Favstar gets even better if you sign in.
If you've never shoved a glow stick up your ass and pretended to be a lightning bug, you're probably not me.
Ever in the middle of rubbing one out and someone starts banging on the door? It's not like they were using their car right then. Assholes.
Twitter douche:Why do you star and RT so much, bro?
Me:Well, it's easy and free. Did I also mention fuck your own face?
I have insomnia. Translation: The rest of the family are in bed and it's Daddy's internet porn time.
I didn't know you could star your own tweets! I'm 'bout to have a shitload of 1 star tweets! Word!
I've got six pack abs for the first time in years thanks to P90X.....and meth! Mostly meth.
Why do midgets get all up in arms whenever you pick one up? I don't think they've evolved to the perfect cuddle size by accident.
That awkward moment when you realize that the hobo you're fisting is still alive.
"I have a personal relationship with God." Translation:"I like to keep my crazy to myself."
I think my streak of unstarred tweets is much more impressive than your fuckin' favstar trophy! *crying with a thumb up my ass*
I often wonder if other parents can sense that I'm not a real grown up.
If the closest thing you've had to sex in months is inadvertently walking in on your lady applying a tampon, well you're probably married.
Creepy guy at the park with the box full of puppies was eyeing me suspiciously. Sure I was stealing a kid but he didn't have to stare. Rude.
Just found out that Mannheim Steamroller has nothing to with getting shit on by a German guy.
Until I started Twitter I never went to Walmart. Now I think I'm subconsciously drawn there for tweetable nuggets. Goldmine!
The only DM's I ever receive are from cool people chatting me up. Not one single dick pic. I must be doing Twitter all wrong:(
I have nothing against gay men. Especially not my penis.
Can't tell about a person based on their name.However,I would caution to not stay overnight at your Uncle Buttfucker's place.Just in case.
Attached a flux capacitor to my dick so it can travel into the past and fuck you when you were younger and hotter. Well, younger anyways.
I assume that behind all pretty avi's are really hairy dudes. Yep, still gonna jerk it to 'em.