As women attempt to gain followers by teasing us sexually, its only fair we attempt the same. So, ladies ...I love doing the dishes. Mmmm

anyone else think it'd be cool to dig Michael Jackson up and remake the 'Thriller' video?

I give it half my money, it makes me food, and I can never have sex with it. yep, I think I'm married to the snack machine downstairs.

if god loved us, semen would taste like chocolate and cure pms...

Being a computer geek would be much more sexy if I had some backup dancers.

my doc is so old fashioned. he still insists on taking my temperature rectally. Not sure how accurate his finger is, but he's the doctor.

Dog is man's best friend only because no matter what he catches you doing ...he can't tell anyone.

brought my car to the tire shop and asked for a rim job. 3 rednecks are pissed off at me, and this asian guy gave me his number? ..whatever

I guess I don't mind the monthly prostate exams, but do I have to dress up like a pirate every time? ...I'm not sure I trust my doctor.

I just saw a real camel's toes ...and guys, I don't think I wanna call it that anymore.

it's totally not gay that I named my rectal thermometer 'Freddy Mercury'

Don't give me that look buddy, your wifes butt was staring at me first.

I'm just a guy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to love him ...while she's pointing pepperspray at my face

Nicorette condoms. why haven't I invented these yet?

if I were a dinosaur, I'd probably be called a Scareoffalotapus.

it's a good thing that one of my multiple personalities is a therapist.

so I can send naked pics of myself to strange people then claim they were stolen? ...this whole 'hacked my cell phone' thing works for me.

any followers over 60 may present this tweet to their spouse, significant other, or life partner as a coupon for one free 'gum job'.

my boss just said "it's so cold in your office you could hang beef in here" ...what a pervert

boss: "cancelling our 11am. I'm fighting too many fires" me: "I have an extra hose if you want to use it" ...I now have an 11am with HR