Curves are what turns a girl into a woman. If I wanted to see your ribs I'd ask for an X-ray.

I'm unemployed, no health insurance, and can't pay my student loans, but sure, let's debate whether people in love should get married.

Crazy without clever is boring.

I know we "don't give a fuck" here, but I will never understand the desire to truly hurt someone.

How ignorant do I have to be before I find bliss?

A girl who can wear a baseball hat is hot. Unless it's a team I hate. In that case, she's probably a whore.

The only reason I'd ever get a sex change operation is to see what it's like to be right all the time.

We're all someone's "crazy" ex.

I'm in a room full of women right now. Men, there is no conversation we will ever have that's nearly as nasty as what they talk about. Ever.

If I ever get to an age where the music from the ice cream truck doesn't make me excited, pull the plug.

It's amazing to think that people all over the world are reading my words considering I can't get people in my own house to listen to me.

Thanks for the reply to my tweet. I was worried about the logical fallacy in a joke I spent four seconds writing.

When a woman says "I'm fine" am I supposed to buy flowers, chocolates or both?

I would like to thank the person that RT'd you so I could find you.

No matter how cool you think you are, seeing a really old couple in a sex shop will throw you off your game.

I've never in my life asked someone to give a fuck, but the people that did it anyways are the ones I will do anything for.

Don't pretend like you don't get excited when one of your all time favorites stars your tweets.

I don't believe for a second you stoners could hide a body from anyone. Forgetting where you left it doesn't count.

I was going to admit myself into a mental hospital. Then I logged into Twitter and realized some of you need that room more than me.

Being a man is great until you hear a noise late at night and realize you are the one that has to go investigate.