I for one, think its cute that cop cars are painted like giant pandas.

I never got sent to live with my millionaire cousins when I misbehaved as a kid. Will Smith was so lucky.

Telling a young girl how to shotgun a beer is remarkably similar to telling her how to blow a guy and I am doing the Lord's work both times.

Its always easier to walk in heels when I'm only wearing panties. I don't know. Mysteries of life.

My mom just ask me to explain camel toe. Help!

Subtweets are the adult version of a toddler waving his hands in the air & shouting "Look at me! Look at me! Pay attention to me!!"

I'm still wrestling with which vice to give up...Twitter? Or Porn with subtitles?

"Hey Mommy, let's play a game where you are the slave & sister & I are your Masters!" We play that game everyday. It's called "Parenting".

Men want to be understood too. They just don't bitch about it all the time.

Fun Prank
1.) Go to Yoga class
2.) Compliment some people on their mats
3.) Unroll 20x25 oriental rug.

Twitter, proving there are awesome people all over the world AND right here under my nose. ;-)

Why use your fists when you can injure somebody much deeper with your mind?

I don't just leave an impression, I leave a mark!

Found someone I love, but check this crazy whacked out shit, I'm certain she loves me back. Fuckin weirdo.

I'm living & dying by the routine.

Growing up in Tennessee was tough. We had to hone our break dancing skills to Loretta Lynn tunes.

On My FB Wall:
Her: What's a raspberry pi
Me: Don't know.
Her: It's a box on your tv.
Me: ....
Her: Well, what's it do??

Only assholes eat mall food with chopsticks

So weird how people want to be wished a happy birthday when every year we age we're just getting closer to death.

If you've got a problem with me, take it up with someone who actually gives a shit.