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You don’t have to explain the hardships of poverty to me I’ve had to reschedule a pedicure appointment before
I’m going to start referring to it as my “rear-ly bone-us” because by the looks of this pithy holiday check I’m taking it up the ass
The only thing I think about when I arrive somewhere is how quickly I can leave.
My devotion to you can be explained by how often I’m willing to punch a baby in your honor
I thought I’d try my hand at comedy so I wore a sock puppet to work today
I have to be in the office at 7:00 am
But I idle in the parking lot
Until 6:53 am
I like to play it close so they know I’m unpredictable
I like to tell people that my “genius is more subtle” because it just sounds better than “fundamentally retarded.”
My fiancé called my smile “infectious.”
Then he bought me some Abreva for my cold sore.
I keep the battery % notification enabled on my phone because anxiety is the best motivator
Everyone wants to believe they're different & special.
We all want someone to love us like we're irreplaceable.
Make me believe it's true.
Sometimes life puts up road blocks to keep us from going in the wrong direction.
Heed the warning signs.
Turn around and run the other way.
So this guy has a high school diploma, no college degree and makes a bajillion dollars a year as a consultant.
*sets Masters degree on fire*
*dumps a giant bucket of luck and hope and love and rainbow sprinkles on you*
I lost an unborn child.
I lost my job.
I lost people I loved.
I've lost many things in life
So when a stranger insults me, it means nothing.
The most common thing passed around dinner tables today was probably judgement.
I just shot a turkey for Thanksgiving & it was a clean kill; I dunno why these people are running away with their grocery carts screaming
This creme brûlée gelato just changed my religion from “Reply hazy, try again” to “Dear Lord baby Jesus , I love you, my messiah!”
When I say "Let me slip into something more comfy," I mean, "step back, the spanx are coming off."
I'd quit getting high, but rolling joints helps keep my pimp hand strong.
My Mom figured out how to text & since I can’t take another window of communication I responded with:
Service Error 305: delivery failure
If you're reading my bio you'll probably never read my tweets.