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If I ever turn my computer on and there isn't a new update for Adobe or iTunes, I will personally blow each and every one of you.
If you don't dry-hump me when I bend over to unload the dishwasher, I assume you don't love me.
To the asshat who first decided to dub police sirens into a song, I will fuck start your face for giving me so many tiny heart attacks.
I call BS, Twitter. No way are there this many attractive, witty people who can't get laid. Someone is lying.
I will butt fuck your soul if you are driving slower than the speed limit in the left lane.
Idk who was sitting around thinking "Lets smash grapes up and then drink the juice like a month later" but thank you.
I just saw a lady talking on a Motorola Razr and now I wonder if Biff is feeling my mom up in his car.
Really? A phone with a facebook button? Does it play cassette tapes, too?
Boobs + Work + Anger Issues + Boobs + Midgets + Alcohol + Boobs + Daddy Issues + Masturbation + Boobs = Twitter
I challenge you to name a more frightening experience than seeing a police car make a u-turn behind you.
Am I the only one who realizes Batman could be real? His super power is money, people.
There's no "i" in masturbate, either. Explain that one, coach.
We get it, Toby Keith. You're fuckin' American. Maybe just shut up and get a bumper sticker?
If you spell donut with all the extra letters, I assume at some point in your life, you owned a calculator wrist watch.
Grocery store clerk: How's your day?
Me: Great. What's your favorite sexual position?
I suck at small talk.
It's adorable how Tempurpedic assumes we all have partners in our bed.
Bread companies should really skip a step and just feed the end pieces to the ducks themselves.
What's a little nip slip between friends?
Jack & Jill are dirt poor still cuz Jill's a struggling actress. He pays the bills by selling some pills & she does her work on the mattress
Denim skirts that are longer than mid-thigh creep me the fuck out.
I'm a ginger and your mom is a whore. Now that we have that out of the way... favstar.fm/justashleyokay/