I am watching House of Wax again just for the pleasure of seeing Paris Hilton get killed.

If your pee is brown then you are supposed to drink more beer, right? Thought so.

It's National Nude Day and Cow Appreciation Day. This could turn illegal very quickly.

The argument of "but I already have a dui and you don't" wins every time.

8 just told me he wants "metallica on toast". After some questions I now know he meant "nutella on toast"... Kids are so cool.

I'm watching Are You Smarter Than a 5th Grader with my 3rd grader. He is winning.

Got paid $65 to get a needle out of a keyboard. Fraking magnets, how do they work?

wow.. 36 and dead from a heart attack. I said "must be drugs" and he said "he was a cop" and I said "must be drugs".

Pussy powers, activate!

For the first time in 15 years I can pass a drug test for a job. I'm clean.

@weirdnews Check out http://t.co/UQWBvvH

I have boogers on my boogers. This needs to stop.

O Brother Where Art Thou has one of the best soundtracks ever. And George Clooney.

@ghettofavstar I better say unicorns or else @tortilla_nazi will put a cap in my ass.

#MessageToMyEx Suck @whocuppedmycake's left one.

This day needs more cowbell.

I got vid of my cat raping my dog's ear. My dog won't admit this but it happened.

I need a portal through the wall. My beer fridge is right on the other side of the wall I sit near.

Be a part of the movie making experience. Follow @huntersthemovie and @indywoodfilms today & help make dreams come true. #FF

Nikki Reed is hot. #thatisall