I don't know which is worse, checking my bank account or my Facebook page.

Black-outs? What? Whatever. Twitter is working.

Twins get dropped off together, different 1st period teachers. One is on time, one is marked late. Welcome to the real world. It's not fair

My friend just got a new job. Can't wait to call her at work and ask her to guess how many oreo cookies I have in my mouth. #immature

Practicing relaxing. Am I doing it right? What do I do next? How long should I sit here? Is it obvious?

Relationship Status: I just asked my dog to move over and when she did I said, "Thank you."

Teen boy tried to justify the piss on the toilet.
Him: It's not my fault, mom.
Me: How could that not be your fault?
Him: I coughed.

Thanks to Twitter, i'm pretty sure I can never be a federal judge.

Oh my gosh. I need more positive people in my life. The negativity is winning.

Sometimes it feels so damn good to sever the ties.

Not looking for someone to sweep me off my feet but if he would sweep my floors, well, it's a start. #justsaying

#Greys People in love. Whatever. *turns to #InvestigationDiscovery* Murder. Now you're talking.

"This one time . . . at band camp . . . "

--all I can think of since I dropped off three kids at band camp this morning.

That whole "fake it until you make it" thing, can I get a time frame on that?

"What had happened was . . . " is almost always followed by a lie.

Dear Rednecks and Hoodrats: If you shoot your guns into the air the bullets will still come down somewhere. #justsayin

My kids told me that they can't tell when I'm really mad or just kidding, it's confusing.

I win.

Whenever I see a dude in a baseball cap leaving the grocery store with nothing but cleaning supplies I assume it's a crime scene clean up.

My boy is becoming a man -- he can get out of street clothes down to his drawers with a snack and the remote control in under a minute.

Some religious people left us a pamphlet on how to be a good dad. I'm divorced.

. . .