The sad thing about Hostess closing is that I can no longer yell "I have a ding dong!" at the supermarket...at least without being arrested.

A Farewell to Arms, A Hello to Muffdiving #greatamericanpornographicnovel

Breaking news...Pat Robertson blames the tornado on women who don't let their husbands cheat.

This totally redefines the term "old as shit".  http://www.etsy.com/listing/120250558/record-size-coprolite-dinosaur-poop?utm_source=OpenGraph&utm_medium=PageTools&utm_campaign=Share …

We should have known something was wrong with Pistorius when we realized that he got his nickname from an overrated science fiction movie.

@ghostbourbon Man...Phil Fulmer really fell far, didn't he?

No...actually, he came out. RT @misstoiletslave Why is #BigBird trending? Did he die?

@christianalsis Your last tweet really alarmed me. But I could be overreacting because it's probably just spring clean for the May queen.

Ironic that there's no longer any Lorenzos now that we can afford the health care required to get our cholesterol back down. #GiftOfTheMagi

Wookie Breastmilk-shake #ScifiFastFood

#sincewebeinghonest This hashtag is bad grammar.

@spmilkshake And If you like Swiss time pieces from the 1980s that have a thin rubberband-type strip on them, #YouMightBeOnAnNSASwatchList

@jgrammond I know. They're weird that way. Jehovah's Witness are attracted to the urine of Joseph Smith. Don't ask me to explain it.

@jgrammond Comedy shows with a major headliner?

@jgrammond Guerrillas in the Mister Goodbar

Does anyone have change for a dollar? #TweetLikeTheOppositeGender #BecasueBothMenAndWomenSometimeNeedsChange

@toyns President.

@edsbs @hollyanderson Hey now...stripping while watching reruns of Seinfeld is as American as apple pie.

@heliumcomedy I heard that @bingsupernova kidnapped the Philly's Phunniest competition so @chipchantry doesn't have be runner up again.

Vanilla Ice. RT @doogiehorner What's the opposite of Icy Hot?