My fish was sad so I decided it was time to set him free. It's been 3 days and he still hasn't moved from the tree. I think he's scared :(

If you connect the dots of all my scars it spells ''Stupid decisions''

Come here, Monday, I will love you.

Sometimes I'm not in it to win it, I'm just there to mess up as many people as possible.

So apparently I'm apathetic.... Who cares.

Wellllllllll this is... awkward. I'm sorry, I just kind of expected damsels in distress to be more... attractive.

I've had two energy drinks and a 5 Hour Energy already this morning. I'm either going to die, grow super powers, or start peeing lasers.

The pot is just jealous the kettle has a 3 foot vertical and can out-play it in every sport but swimming.

Parents: Hug your children. Or else they will become that obnoxious moron revving his motorcycle at the stoplight so people notice him

Didn't make it onto Time's list of 100 Most Influential People this year either :(

Just saw some chick in 10 inch heels EAT IT. She might have broken an ankle too. WALK IT OFF, BEAUTY IS PAIN.

Bald people look like thumbs

People who can walk and text at the same time are mocking me.

Hiding your insanity under the guise of insanity is suprisingly effective.

Getting flashed by a cop- not at all sexy like it sounds.

I hope I'm not naturally selected out because I lack the hand coordination to press ''Ctrl+Alt+Delete'' in sync

Smokers just need to admit that they wish they were dragons

Let's just snuggle and not talk about anything

Me and the wind just had some wild sex. You should see my hair

The gas station I stopped at didn't have gummies, so I no longer have faith in humanity.