Dear dad: Seeing "Sent from my iPad" is making me a jealous person. I'm going to make my signature say, "So much younger than you."

There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

I've never really grown up, I just learned how to act in public.

The sole purpose of a child's middle name, is so you can tell when he's really in trouble.

Airport security apparently needs to learn "good touch" and "bad touch" like we did back in 2nd grade because they are not getting it.

I don't think I ever want another girlfriend. Especially if the cost of toilet paper goes up.

Just test drove a Corvette today. When salesperson approached me about purchasing I told him that I would be back during my midlife crisis.

I want to be the someone you cant live without.

Thank you, over-aggressive water faucet, for splashing water all over me and making it look like I peed my pants.

The only reason men wear a tie is to cover up stains on their shirt. As for bow ties, I have no clue why anyone would wear one of those.

Following people back on Twitter is like a dating game. I'm supposed to wait 3-5 days before I follow back, right?

I'm a wreck and I'm emotionally unstable really wasn't the pick up line I was looking for. At least I'm honest.

Nothing like beating your neighbor to their Sunday paper.

I've figured it all out! Women don't say what they want but they reserve the right to be pissed off if they don't get what they want.

Chaz Bono is that guy from U2, right?

I just said Happy Valentines Day to a guy in the bathroom. That was awkward.

Fabulous people are easy to spot because they are few and far between.

Is it a bad sign when your girlfriend points out another woman and says she would be perfect for you? Looks like my days are numbered.

I'm faking my pregrancy for the maternity leave.

If you would only listen, you might just realize what you're missing, you're missing me.