Kegels. Because even dickheads deserve to be hugged!

Being smart is always knowing when to play dumb.

You're upset your twittercrush DMs other people? Boy are you going to shit yourself when you find out he also has sex with his wife

On a first date I always put duct tape over my vagina to stop me being a slut. Then when I fail at least I know I'm freshly waxed

I thought I was depressed.

Turns out I was just sober.

My boss is complaining I don't do enough work. Its like he thinks this Twitter account just runs itself

My horoscope says I will meet the man of my dreams today. Not sure how my husband will take the news but I'm pretty damn excited

I love hearing how you have gay friends and black friends. Here’s a big pat on the back because I have none of those.

I only have friends

I have found that some of the filthiest, most disgusting jokers here are the nicest people to talk to. Consider that before you judge

Just slammed the car door on my fingers.

Related: there's a 83% chance that my 4 year old just added "Motherfucker" to his vocabulary.

If your bio says "Aspiring Model" but your AVI is a bathroom mirror pic, I'm guessing you may be headed for disappointment

I never understood guys shouting at a ref in the TV.

Until I joined Twitter and started screaming IT'S A FUCKING JOKE at people in my phone

What women want: a guy who will hold the door open for her, then bang her against the wall

Married men only use dick avi's because they know their wives will never recognize them

Twitter friends support you when you need it, make you laugh when you're sad & always have your back. So tell me again why they're imaginary

Must be nice to be so hot you have to specify "no DMs please" in your bio.

10 years of marriage and the only marital advice I have is marry an orphan. Because inlaws.

My account was hacked last night so if you get any DMs offering sex please ignore them.

Unless you're interested.

And hot.

People with no sense of humor fucking suck. Told my mother I want Staying Alive played at my funeral. Not even a grin. Tough crowd.

Of course absence makes the heart grow fonder.

Because thats when you forget what an annoying fucking asshole they can be.