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Asked my trainer if I could substitute 45 minutes of sex for cardio. He laughed and asked if I knew 45 single men. God I love him!
Of all the people who ignore me, you’re my favorite.
If you’ve got the time, I’ve got the crazy.
Speaking of hipsters, I think I saw one in my neighborhood. Do I tag and release or are we putting them down?
You’re really cute. Does it get any bigger?
Your standards are even lower than mine. We should totally hang out.
A local porn shop has "Like our Facebook page" message on their sign. I'm going to stop in & let them know Twitter is their target audience.
Close your eyes and open your mouth. I have an idea.
Ignore me. Bitches love getting ignored.
I want to be the one who finally makes you lose your mind.
I don’t know what I was thinking. ~ me, hundreds of times a day.
Your charms stopped working on me. Let’s play a new game.
If I ever have sex again, I really hope it's with you.
I've never found stupid very sexy. I'm sorry. You're not the exception.
I make the "mmmm" sound when I star your tweets.
If you didn’t want “Happy Birthday Douchebag” on his cake you shouldn’t have left me in charge.
I think we'd make a beautiful mess together.
Smile. You're the reason someone takes their phone with them to the bathroom.
Sometimes small brains can only handle one side of a story.
To the guy peering down my shirt at work: Join Twitter for a better glimpse of my boobs. You're welcome.
Just some girl. Yes, it's me but shhh...