Asked my trainer if I could substitute 45 minutes of sex for cardio. He laughed and asked if I knew 45 single men. God I love him!

Of all the people who ignore me, you’re my favorite.

If you’ve got the time, I’ve got the crazy.

Speaking of hipsters, I think I saw one in my neighborhood. Do I tag and release or are we putting them down?

You’re really cute. Does it get any bigger?

Your standards are even lower than mine. We should totally hang out.

A local porn shop has "Like our Facebook page" message on their sign. I'm going to stop in & let them know Twitter is their target audience.

Close your eyes and open your mouth. I have an idea.

Ignore me. Bitches love getting ignored.

I want to be the one who finally makes you lose your mind.

I don’t know what I was thinking. ~ me, hundreds of times a day.

Your charms stopped working on me. Let’s play a new game.

If I ever have sex again, I really hope it's with you.

I've never found stupid very sexy. I'm sorry. You're not the exception.

I make the "mmmm" sound when I star your tweets.

If you didn’t want “Happy Birthday Douchebag” on his cake you shouldn’t have left me in charge.

I think we'd make a beautiful mess together.

Smile. You're the reason someone takes their phone with them to the bathroom.

Sometimes small brains can only handle one side of a story.

To the guy peering down my shirt at work: Join Twitter for a better glimpse of my boobs. You're welcome.